Helping Santa
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Wesker, Krauser and HUNK find an unconscious Santa when they go home from work. Wesker decides to 'help' the man. Find out what happened here.


Okay, so... A Christmas one-shot. I wasn't planning on writing, but I was sitting in the kitchen, feeling sad because I only have plans for tomorrow, and this popped into my head. I started writing right away, and decided I was going to post it.

I suppose this is my Christmas present to everyone who has **still** been reading my stories, even though I keep going on hiatus, and my stories aren't as crack-filled as they used to be. I'm very grateful for that. :)

I don't own RE, blabla, Capcom, blablabla.  
>Could be seen as a side-story to Meine Freunde, but you don't have to read MF in order to read this.<p>

**I sincerely hope you'll enjoy this, strangahs!**

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><p>Christmas didn't really look like Christmas at all that year. It wasn't snowing even a little bit, and they weren't feeling very festive either. It looked just like any other day, and so Wesker and his friends decided to just ignore the Holidays and carry on with their work as if nothing special was going on in the first place.<p>

Heck, according to Wesker, nothing special _was_ going on. He was planning on becoming a god, and celebrating Christmas didn't seem like a very logical thing to do for him. Doing so would make it seem as if he was admitting he believed in God, and that was not the case. Wesker didn't believe in anything but himself, and he was planning on keeping it that way.

So it was quite obvious that Wesker and his friends were not expecting any of the things that happened later that day. Sure, they weren't celebrating anything, but because HUNK really wanted to go out with his girlfriend, Wesker decided he would actually let his employees go home a little bit earlier than on most other days. He could be a nice guy if he wanted to be, though he would never admit it to anyone, not even himself.

Slightly annoyed at the fact that is was starting to rain, Wesker, HUNK and Krauser went outside after a short day of hardly getting any work done. They made their way to Krauser's car, because the mutant had promised them a ride home.

Krauser pulled his scarf off when he realized it wasn't cold at all and glanced at Wesker. "Sir, are you visiting anyone tonight?"

Wesker shook his head, then he nodded, and then he shook his head again. "Eh, my mother keeps asking me if I would like to come over, but I'm really not in the mood to listen to the way she rants about the Christmas movies and older men… According to her, the more a man ages, the more perverted he gets." Wesker shuddered. "There are things I don't need to know about my mother."

Krauser snickered. "Maybe she's just really hot… She can't complain about the way she looks, especially not at that age."

Wesker suddenly stopped walking, causing HUNK to bump into him. "Jack," he stated coldly, "if you ever say such a thing about my mother again, I will end your existence in the worst way I'll be able to come up with… Oh, and believe me, Jack, I can be quite creative when I want to be."

Krauser cringed visibly. "I eh… I am really sorry, sir. I'll keep those thoughts to myself from now on."

Wesker shook his head and sighed. Sure, he considered Jack his friend, but some of the things the scarred man said just made him want to kill him in order to stop the ridiculous remarks from leaving his scarred lips.

While Wesker started thinking of the possibilities to kill Jack in the most ridiculous way possible, and Krauser smirked at the thought of a naked Mother Wesker, HUNK was the only one that was paying attention to his surroundings. This was exactly the reason why he was the first to notice something on the parking lot that did not actually belong there.

HUNK grabbed a hold of Krauser's arm and pointed at a spot near the mutant's car. "Jack, what's that?"

Krauser shook his head to clear his brain of the naughty thoughts that had kept him occupied and looked in the direction HUNK was pointing. "Eh?"

There was something near Krauser's car. It was red, it was rather large and it appeared to be moving every once in a while. Or perhaps it wasn't moving, but twitching instead. Either way, it looked somewhat alive.

HUNK walked up to the heap of red and kneeled down in front of it. Carefully, as if he was worried the heap of red would attack him, he pushed it over. He immediately realized what he was looking at. Or rather, _who_ he was looking at. "Oh man, it's Santa!"

"What?" Wesker sighed at the stupidity of the situation and stood next to his kneeling friend. "What on earth is Santa doing here?"

HUNK pushed the beard aside and felt for a pulse. "Well, he's still alive…" He frowned. "And breathing, I can smell alcohol." HUNK turned his head to the side and pushed the beard back in place. "Good God, that is disgusting."

Krauser shrugged and poked Santa with his boot. "So he got drunk and took a nap next to my car, I don't care, I want to get home so let's go."

Wesker ignored Krauser entirely and took his sunglasses off. He pinched the bridge of his nose and appeared to think for a moment. "You know, I have an idea…" A slightly evil smirk appeared on his face and he put his sunglasses back on. "HUNK, Jack, get… Santa inside. I think we should put him to good use. It is, after all, Christmas, and a drunk Santa is a useless Santa, therefore we shall help him a little bit."

HUNK sighed. "Oh come on, I'm supposed to be at Joey's house in an hour. I promised her I'd be on time for once, because I always run into trouble whenever I decide to visit her." He scowled when he thought back about the bears, the cyclists and the farmers that had stopped him from visiting his girlfriend in the past two weeks. "My life is so damn weird, lately."

Wesker raised an eyebrow. "Well, go ahead if you must, but please do realize you might want to know what my plans are, even if just for the sake of your crazy girlfriend."

HUNK raised his hands in a defensive manner before nodding. "Fine, have it your way… Again."

"Oh Mr. Death, don't talk to me like that, it is Christmas you know?" Wesker winked, though it went unnoticed behind his sunglasses, and he watched his friends lift Santa off the ground. "Take him inside, if you're quick, you might still be in time to see Joey."

And so it was done. Santa was carried inside the building and put on a couch in Wesker's office. Wesker pointed at the door after his friends had done what he wanted them to do, and he told them to get the hell out. "I'll be back with you two soon, just kill some time by playing Monopoly or something."

HUNK glanced at Krauser after Wesker had closed the door to his office. "How does he know we play Monopoly sometimes?"

Krauser scratched the back of his head. "I might've accidentally mentioned it in a report one time…"

"Damn it, Jack. You really are an idiot."

Krauser rolled his eyes. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you never beat me at Monopoly."

"Because you cheat like there is no tomorrow. I have to have eyes in my back when I play with you." He laughed softly and punched his friend's arm. "Joey beat you at Monopoly once, I remember very clearly."

"She beat me _with_ the game, not _at_ the game." Jack rubbed his temples and cringed. "That was just awful."

"How could that possibly have hurt you? You have the hardest head I have ever seen."

"She put a steel bar in the box, that's how." And with those words, Jack went outside to check on his car. He needed to know if Santa had messed with it, because he did not feel like getting into an accident and adding more scars to the collection he was already 'blessed' with. The man could only take so much.

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><p>After quite a while, Wesker finally exited his office and started to look for his men. He found HUNK sitting in the security office, and Jack underneath the sink of the small kitchen. "Damn birds crapped on my car," Jack explained himself even before Wesker asked, "so I'm looking for some cleaning supplies."<p>

Wesker shrugged and pulled his friend away from the chlorine. "You can do that when you get home, Jack. Come on."

When the three of them were together again, HUNK and Krauser stared at their boss, hoping to get some sort of explanation.

"Men… I am done in my office, but I am not going home yet. You two are free to go, though… However!" Wesker scratched his throat, "I need you to watch out tonight, because it might get dangerous outside, and I'd like you two to live to see another day."

HUNK frowned. "Great," he groaned under his breath, "now what?"

Wesker chuckled. "Oh don't worry, you will find out soon enough."

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><p>Later that night, after HUNK and his lady, Joey Merchant, had shared a bed for an hour or two, they turned on the television. They were expecting some Christmas specials and old, sappy movies, but whatever appeared on the screen did not even come close.<p>

"Hey strangah," Joey turned to HUNK and giggled, "did ya know there were Christmas zombie movies?"

Santa Claus was seen on the large screen, and he didn't seem as happy and joyful as he did in other movies. Far from it, actually. This Santa was attacking people in the street, and his normally white beard was stained red with the blood of the innocent.

HUNK swallowed audibly and shook his head. "Oh, that's not a movie, Jojo… Not a movie at all." He got up, started to get dressed and told his girlfriend to do the same thing. Then he went to search for his weapons, just in case. "This is going to be a long, long night."

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><p><strong>And now I would like to wish you a very Merry Christmas, strangahs! Stay safe and enjoy your days. :)<strong>

_FUNK_


End file.
